No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize