I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
