remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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