Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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