: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
