He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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