hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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