sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
