haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i need some magic done to my vagina
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize