There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
