Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
