Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
