Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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