i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
