i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
