i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
