I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize