I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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