ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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