I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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