Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
