the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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