my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
