Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize