Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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