I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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