The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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