I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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