I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
