Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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