If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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