im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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