so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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