She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
