currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
God I need to hump something, right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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