You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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