so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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