If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
