Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize