I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
