can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
