the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize