my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
