Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
someone owes me an orgasm
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
