every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
