I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
