I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
