Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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