Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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