4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
