everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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