he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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