He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just invented taco cereal.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
