if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
