My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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