The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
