Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
