i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
