My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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