my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
